Food Poisoning

Yesterday I had a very pleasant meal with a college friend at a burger/salad joint called The Counter. Starving, I scarfed down my meal as fast as my body would let me. Fast forward to midnight and I started to feel funny inside and decided to go to bed. At about 2:20 AM I bolted from my bed, feeling very strange and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water but instead spewed out, projectile style, a gallon of salad, red pepper, french fries and gooey green stuff.  The cups and utensils that were already in the sink were flooded in a pool of luscious puke. I switched on the garbage disposal but my thick concoction clogged the sink, so I dug out the big chunks of barf with my hands and emptied out the sink.

As I lay in fetal position back in my bed I called my sister and had her sleep next to me in bed and texted Ed to report to him of my sickness. Here is our exchange:

 

 

I go back to bed with the uneasy feeling of having to diarrhea any second. Fortunately, I sleep soundly only to wake up to an upset stomach and diarrhea lined up and ready to fly out of my ass any second. I diarrhea, then I go again, and again… and again. and again. Goddamn  my butthole is raw, if i have to wipe one more time I’m pretty sure it’s going to start chafing.

My body feels weak and I am alone in the house, in my room, curled up in a ball with a big salad bowl (my barf bowl) only an arms length away. Hours pass and I only rush to the bathroom a few more times and things are finally starting to look up around now (3:00 PM). I washed the rest of my crusted barf off the side of the kitchen sink and wallow in my sickness and slight loneliness. Oh food poisoning you have beat me this one time. At least I don’t have to consider getting that colonics you asshole!

[The Parentals Chronicles] Chapter 1: BOYS

My parent’s three favorite subjects to talk about:

1. Boyfriends
2. Babies
3. Jobs

Chapter 1: BOYS

Now, I don’t have to worry about this one too much since I have a boyfriend but my sisters are in trouble.

My parents have set my oldest sister up on a handful of blind dates. The first guy didn’t really speak English, the second guy kind of spoke English but also lived in an extra room in a house (come on parents… you’re not even going to set up my sister with a guy that rents his own apartment??) and the last guy she agreed to meet was normal, but it’s a long shot to set up my sister (who lives in New York City) with a guy who lives in California. To make matters worse, my sister and my dad signed a contract over Christmas stating that if my sister does not find a boyfriend in NYC by March 2013, then she will have to move back to California. Yup. Seriously.

My middle sister has started experimenting with the world of online dating and is fancied by boys on match.com (although she claims that the guys on match aren’t as cool) and okcupid.com. My sister has actually been on her own handful of dates and her latest prey seems to be promising. Yesterday my middle sister went on a date with a guy at 1PM, and my other newly single friend went on a date with some dude at 2PM. This means I was busy stalking both of the dates. Stalking really is one of my greatest pass times. I wish someone would stalk me the way I stalk my friends… or, I need to get a life…  I think stalking may be more fun than being the stalkee. So if you want me to stalk you, just leave me your phone number, address, work location and link me to your calendar, and I’ll do the rest!

 

That’s my friend on her date at a yogurt shop. I stood near that pair and listened to their conversation for about 3 minutes.

A few minutes after I arrived at the yogurt shot, they left. So I followed them from behind!

 

More stalker pictures to come…

CES 2012

[Note: A little late but I didn't get around to post when I originally wrote it.]

Ed landed in California last friday and then departed for LA the following day. Over the weekend we visited the basics (UCLA, Venice, Santa Monica, some Hollywood club, Hollywood & Highland, Beverly Hills) and then jetted off to Las Vegas. When we landed, we almost immediately met with our friend who was already in Las Vegas for CES and we ventured on the beginning of our overeating tour. I’m still super full from the week…. buffet every morning, buffet every night… by the end of the week I had absolutely zero desire to eat anything. Three days have passed since my last binge eating session and I still have no desire to eat anything.

Anyway, back to CES. Tuesday through Friday Ed ventured into CES while I cruised through only on Tuesday and Thursday.

CES was split into 4 parts:

1. North Hall – Lots of small companies — way too many iphone case companies, and small portable speaker companies… and some car companies like Ford and Kia.

2. Central Hall – Mainly the big players [Samsung, Motorola, Microsoft, LG, Intel, Sony]

3. South Hall – A bunch of small/mid sized companies, Chinese companies, and miscellaneous.

4. Venetian/Wynn – Meeting rooms

What’s Hot:

1. 3D TV’s – Every major company has their own version of a fancy 3D tv. I’m wondering why TV’s are still limited to the screen. When will they start making screen-less TV’s? That would be awesome.

2. Smart TV, cars – TV’s will eventually take over the desktop computer and tablets will likely take over the laptop computer. TV’s are getting smarter and the focus on smart cars seems to finally be emerging. When will they start making smarter homes? Technology is freaking me out.

Neutral:

1. Ultrabooks – Maybe because I have a Macbook Air, but these books did nothing for me.
What’s Not:

1. iPhone cases – Case Mate was by far my favorite booth because they gave away a ton of free cases but come on guys, really? Why were there at least 100 iPhone case companies there.

2. Portable speakers – Like the iPhone case, there were way too many portable speaker companies. It’s all junk in my opinion and no, I won’t buy one. Soon enough smartphones will come with standard mega awesome speakers anyway…

3. New Tablets – Let’s face it, the iPad is a dominant tablet.

To start things off, Ed and I spent the most time in Central Hall because we were researching for an assignment. To be totally honest, there were times when I was bored of the North Hall products and the South Hall contained too many consumer products that I just didn’t care for.

Nokia representing. Remember when Nokia was the business? Those bulky Nokia phones from 2000 used to make me so jealous and the game Snake was like the best thing ever. RIM also had a pretty big booth (no pictures) and they introduced some new Blackberry tablet that will make some old school CEO’s drool and make the younger folks yawn.

Overeem Alistair selling himself out at CES .

Intel’s Ultrabook. I heard through the buzz that it didn’t live up to the hype.

Take Me to the Strippers

So this stripper and I are talking and somehow she starts recruiting me to be a stripper. I tell her that my boobs are too small in which she replies, “show me your boobs!” as she whips around her blonde hair. I get a whiff of her cheap perfume and vanilla lotion and calmly think to myself. After hesitation I reply, “Uhm…. Ok, but I won’t charge you…” She laughs and then giggles and then laughs some more. Geez, these strippers really know how to make a person feel like they’re hilarious! Then she takes a peek. She feels them. “They’re great!” she squeals, “Feel mine!” as she grabs my wrists and places the palms of my hands on her round jugs. “They’re real!” she exclaims. Feeling a little bit lesbionic, uncomfortable and disgusted of myself I just smile and nod. But we only live once, right?

“Give her lap dance!” My friend demands of the stripper, as he chucks her some money but I refuse like a prude. Being turned on was the last sensation that I was feeling. But I have to admit, some of the girls were very, very strong and talented.

Call me naïve but before I entered the strip club and tainted my eyes, I thought that strippers would dance fully clothed and then strip down to their lingerie. But nope. These girls come out in little bikinis and within 2 minutes of butt jiggling, they get full on naked shaking their goodies in our faces, thus leaving me wondering, “Brazilian wax… and did she get her hole bleached?”

After about 20 minutes in the strip joint (that’s about how long it takes to feel like a dirty old pervert) we bounce out, feeling like I had just left a scene from The Hangover. Farewell ladies of the night. And farewell to my buzz.

I guess if all else fails in the job hunt, I know where to turn… jk

2012

Me in the back having a good ol time.

Last night was ridiculous… Ridiculously fun.

Lately I haven’t been interested in partying hard and drinking myself silly, but I LOVE partying for a reason and New Years Eve is probably the best reason to party. It’s like getting baptized in a magical wave where right at midnight all of your sins and stupid shit you did during the year washes away and you’re completely renewed.

So Ed is visiting the US next week and we will be going to CES in Las Vegas together. Since moving back to the states I have gained weight. Sigh. It’s inevitable here in the US. After watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Hulu+ I decided to go on a 3-day juice cleanse (I was actually going to do a 10 day cleanse but New Years kind of got in the way.) Every morning and night I’d dump in all sorts of veggies and a fruit for taste into the juicer and would drink a green elixir of life. Over the course of the day I’d have about 5-6 “meals” and drink all the coconut water and regular water that my heart desired.

I didn’t notice any strange bowel movements. I’d pretty much only poop once per day in the morning. Nothing strange. During the diet I felt very energized and light. I watched people eat delicious food in front of me, yet I resisted… and that means a lot to me because I have pretty low self-control! Usually around 10 pm I would get food cravings so I would fill up on water and force myself to sleep early. It was a miracle. For once I found a detox that I could actually complete.

My last day of the diet happened to be New Years Eve so around 4pm I had my first bite of solid food. Itwas a spicy chicken burger. Then I had a cupcake. Then I had spicy chips. Then another burger. Then cheddar chex mix. Then grapefruit+vodka. Then I went diarrhea.

For NYE 4 friends and I got a hotel room in San Francisco and as we were in the midst of getting ready and pre-partying My bowel movements started to burn. To be courteous I decided to use the hotel lobby bathroom. I went down to the lobby and was directed to the bathroom one floor down. Mysteriously the hotel didn’t have a stairway that connected downstairs so I had to take the elevator. Right when I got in the elevator and press the basement button, I realize that I entered an elevator that was going up. To the very top freaking floor. As I’m going up I start tooting a little. I tried to fan away the smell but it was too late, a couple entered the elevator. We all acted like the elevator didn’t smell like a dirty butthole.

Finally I find the bathroom in the basement and it was just my luck. The bathroom was connected to a restaurant adjacent to the hotel; meaning that there were a lot of chicks in there. I started farting and trying to diarrhea but I got shy so every time someone in the next stall would flush, I would let loose and let one rip/let it dump out. After straining my butt, I finally gave up and laid a loud, fat, smelly, juicy lump of green chunk. I stayed in the stall five extra minutes after I was done just so that I wouldn’t have to face any of the many girls that witnessed my explosion.

I made it back into the hotel room in one piece but my bowel movements continued. 3 diarrheas later I was ready to party. And party I did. What a haze.

And that’s how I started out 2012. With diarrhea. It’s going to be a good year.

Annoying Things In Life

There are those core annoying things in life that most humans have to go through. And it’s things like these that make me want to run away into the mountains and life a primitive life. Humph.

DOESN’T FEEL ANYTHING LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

Our lovely Chirstmas tree + train set

One of the many gifts I’ve wrapped.

My room smells like Christmas

I was so bored one night i baked gingerbread mini cupcakes… but nobody ate them and they ended up going bad…

—————–

It’s the supposed magical time of the year, but why doesn’t it feel like Christmas time? I’ve tried the usual gimmicks; decorating the house, decorating the tree beautifully, baking christmas sweets, loitering in christmas-y shopping centers (ie the mall, the grove in la, union square in sf…) but nothing seems to be working. Where has the magic gone?

I’ve thought long and hard about this and could come up with 5 viable reasons.

1. It’s warm
Perhaps it’s because I spent the last 3 winters in a cold, vagina-freezing temperatures but this California sun really needs to stop at least for Christmas day. I can’t associate this time of year with Christmas when I’m taking hikes while wearing a short sleeve shirt. I need some snow or at least some cold crisp air… my vagina has been too warm.

2. Lack of decorations
Why does it feel like Target is the most festively decorated place? Because I live in good ol suburbia now, it seems like decorations are scattered here and there on houses but say goodbye to all of all of those professionally built Christmas structures.

3. Too much hype
I can’t pinpoint when I started to feel this way but Christmas feels all too superficial. When I was younger Christmas and the month leading up to Christmas was the most warm and fuzzy time of the year. Now, as a somewhat adult the holiday season feels plastic. Yeah, it’s the time of the year when I get to congregate with family and friends and have a good time exchanging gifts and being merry, but once December 25th ends it’s like all of the magic disappears. Poof. It’s over. And then emptiness creeps in. it’s like we all spend so much effort for a cause and then when we reach the hurdle, we miss what we were fighting for. A few days later we forget about the empty feeling and move on. The cycle continues.

4. Christmas is on a Sunday
This causes a problem for my household. My parents are in charge of the church kitchen (the kitchen feeds 1,500 every Sunday and hundreds more throughout the week) which means that my parents have been busy everyday and night this week through Christmas eve (uhm and at night on xmas eve i’m going to be chauffeuring my sister on her date…) and Christmas day. This poses a problem because Christmas feels the most festive when you open gifts in the morning and then have Christmas dinner.

5. Christmas music blues
What is with that horrible Justin Bieber mistletoe song??  I heard it on the radio for the first time today and my sisters and I agree that he sounds like a girl. Oh and the lyrics suck. And what is with stations playing that annoying Alvin and the Chipmunk song? That shit doesn’t sound like a Christmas song, it makes me want to slap a ho. Something seems off… I usually eat this shit up.

I think the listed reasons for my scrouge-ness are just excuses. I think my Christmas spirit has been lost and I’ve yet to find it. Maybe it’ll come to me on Christmas day. Nevertheless, Happy Holdiays-ish!

A New Beginning

In my past blog I always had something to write about. The blog was very, LOOK AT ME! Little Ms. Thang so busy and going on glamorous weekend trips to some warm third world country, pooping up a storm, partying until the morning, going on too many business trips to my home town and spending money left and right on overpriced pasta like I was Kim Kardashian.

OH, HA HA. HOW FREAKING CONVENIENT, a great new poo story induced by drinking too much soju with a coworker twice my age. WAH WAH IM SO DRAMATIC, listen to me complain about working 18 hours per day. BLAH BLAH I’M SO GLUTTONOUS, here’s some pictures of some new exotic food.

Well, here I am in the present. I’ve changed the blog name since I’m no longer in Korea, and because I’ve embarked on a new chapter in life. When I was in Korea I thought I was dealing with the quarter life crisis but now I think I really am dealing with it. What the fuck is a “quarter life crisis” anyway? Bitches.

If I were to pick up right where I left off on my other blog, then that would take way too much time and it would just bore you to tears.  Instead I’ll sum life since Korea in all up in 3 bullet points:

1. Went to New York for a project before moving back to California
• I’ll elaborate on this one later
2. Moved back home with my parents. Feelin cool
• WOO! LOOK AT ME NOW BITCHES!
3. Decided to become a pro golfer. Totally normal.
• Delusional? Whateva *throws gangsta signs* Yes. But I’ve always been a little disillusioned. It’s the only way to make life funtastic.

So there we have it. New blog. New goals. Reverted back to living with my parents.

And here we go.